Dear "Nobody"

I've got a good grip on life and how it all works, but there are still so many things I don't understand. Thankfully, I don't have to, but I'm a girl who likes to be in complete control of my environment. As a mother, I've got two more lives I try to control. I've got to provide a haven for them; a safe and secure home, yet teach them a good handful of life's hard lessons. It's those hard lessons that I struggle with. Where do I draw the line? When do I let them get their hearts broken? When do I let them experience new things that may or may not be beneficial? I don't have all the answers, but I feel comfort in knowing that God is on my side.

There have been a few things weighing on my mind, especially in the last week or so. Some are trivial, and some are not. But all of them make me angry. Sometimes I wish I could voice my concerns to the blog void...you know, the void that nobody reads? Ha ha! I can't stop others from saying and doing the things that they do. We all have to live in this world, and somehow we all have to learn to live with one another. You may be asking..."is she talking about me??" Likely, no. But even if I was, would I really admit it? Muah! ha! ha! *evil smile*...you'll never know!

Writing has always been a way for me to organize my thoughts...get the words out...the right words out. Though I love to talk, sometimes I say the wrong thing...the thing I didn't intend. Some say that writing is a cop out...a way of avoiding confrontation. Maybe it is. But in the heat of a confrontation my mind goes blank and I can't clearly voice my thoughts and it often ends in hurt. It's hard to take back words that have already been said...virtually impossible.

The other day, as we were driving home from Oregon City I couldn't stop thinking about something that somebody said to me a while before. Why I was stuck on it at that very moment is a mystery. But, I was so incredibly stuck on it, that Adam and I barely spoke during the entire trip. I spent nearly 2 hours talking to myself...arguing in my head. I asked myself all the obvious questions; who? what? where? when? how? WHY? I felt a handful of emotions; anger, empathy, frustration, confusion, heartache. I didn't know how I was going to get to sleep that night. It wasn't until Adam said..."whatcha thinkin' about?" that I finally was able to release some of the tension. We talked, I felt validated, I let it go....sorta.

With that, and those few other things weighing on my mind, I guess I just wanted to write. I used to write letters to "nobody" when I would get angry. I guess I felt that "nobody" would understand, that "nobody" would care, and that "nobody" would fully listen. "Nobody" was a pretty great pal if you think about it. But since I'm not writing to "nobody" I can't fully say what I want to. So, sorry if you just wasted 3 minutes of your life reading this entry with no story, plot, or point. At least I feel better now =)