In The Sticks: fear

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Fear and the Lady in the Checkout Line

In my past I have lived with fear. Truly crippling fear...fear that plagued every minute of every day. Fear that made me sick, caused my hair to fall out, gave me sleepless nights, and left me feeling so immensely alone. Sometimes that fear creeps back, but for the most part, I have (with God's incredible mercy) overcome. It didn't happen overnight. It took years. And I cannot help but think that so many are in that same boat today as we struggle to stay afloat in this world crisis.

Yesterday I was in the checkout line at the grocery store. There was a lady ahead of me already at the pay station...more than 6 feet away...and her pile of groceries were over halfway up the conveyor belt. Aware of my space, I felt safe to start putting my groceries on the belt. Then, like an exasperated mother reprimanding her child, the lady ahead of me demanded I wait to put my groceries on the belt. I wanted to cry. I decided to find a new line.

I've been in that lady's shoes. I know all too well. And I would do most ANYthing to not ever feel fear like that again. I found that my hands were shaking as I emptied my cart. My heart literally hurt as I contemplated our future in that moment: Our future seems grim. Our future is fear. Crippling fear. And it may take years to recover.

So many feelings. So many opinions. So many fears. We need to stop viewing each other as enemies with sides. We ALL have fears, and our fears are different! Some are afraid of this virus, some are afraid of losing everything, some are afraid of a communist takeover...etc, etc. We need to stop assuming that our fears are somehow more justified than someone else's just because they are different. I drive down the road and signs tell me to "stay home to save lives" and I think of the 7-year-old who has to go to the store with his single mother. What thoughts plague his mind as he passes that sign? I think of the elderly lady isolated in her room as she struggles to breathe with no family by her side. Does she have the will to breathe much longer when nobody seems to care to visit? I think of the business owner who has been told he's non-essential and cannot fathom how he can recover. Does he feel that the only way out is by a bullet?

Questions. So many questions. Never stop asking questions.

If you aren't on a path towards seeking truth, then I'd suggest a new path. There are rabbit trails here and there, and I'm certainly guilty of going down many of them. I'm the type of person who researches to a fault. I once spent 3 weeks researching car seats for toddlers...spending literally countless hours reading review after review. Hey, when your child AND your hard-earned money are on the line, you better know you're getting the best and at the best deal! I digress...but truth is the ultimate goal, is it not? In John 8:31-32 Jesus says, "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine, and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." Do you believe that? I certainly do. I'm not a perfect person, but I do know that there is a perfect God and He holds the key to a life free of fear.

All that said, fear doesn't have to win in your life. Maybe take a step back and evaluate what the driving force behind your thoughts, words, and actions are. Fear can bring out the worst in me, for sure! My most favorite passage in the Bible to recite over and over is Psalm 91. When anxiety creeps in, I go to a quiet place and read it out loud to myself. Yes...out loud. I have to actually hear the words, and I believe there is power in speaking Truth audibly (that's "truth" with a capital "T"). Sometimes I have to read it until my heart stops racing, or until I fall asleep. I'll be honest, peace doesn't always come easily. I struggle with doubt, just like every other human on earth.

One last thought: GRACE. In a time when fear is at the forefront, smile when you don't want to, refrain from posting the angry comment, and for goodness sake, give people their space.

Be well, my friends.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Baring My Heart a Little

Today I received the last of the kids' books for next school year, and I found myself pondering over that "first day of school." I started to feel sad. I'm so used to thinking "traditionally." I like traditions, milestones, rites of passage. They give me that warm fuzzy that helps me relate to others. And part of me feels sad that my kids won't be experiencing that "first day of school" tradition next school year.

I was reservedly excited for Soren to start kindergarten last year. I had grand ideas of getting lots of projects done at home and enjoying some quiet time to myself. However, I wasn't in a good place emotionally at that time and my moments of quiet were actually moments of anxiety. My kids were constantly on my mind and I felt paralyzed. I was also very busy, so any projects I intended to start/finish were put on stand-by. I was still cleaning houses many days out of the week, hosting a weekly women's Bible study, and trying to complete my daily duties as "mom" and "dad." Adam was gone most of the time for work...in another state...far far away.

When you're a mom, you don't have time to be depressed or out of sorts. I think I had spent too many years bearing an unnecessary amount of weight on my shoulders that I had become accustomed to stress. And when Soren's health went sour about 3 years ago, I buried that stress and continued to stuff it, and stuff it, and stuff it....until it started to overflow and it started to overwhelm me. Then, when Soren's health started to improve, every little stress, though less frequent, continued pile and show itself in the form of fear and anxiety. I just wanted life back the way it was before. Soren's perpetual illness had changed me somehow. If I was only worried every now and then before, I was now worried all the time, regardless of his upward progress to health. It took some time, but with lots of prayer and seeking God, I eventually reached a breaking point, and the box full of pent up stress/anxiety/fear broke free. Freedom. It sounds fantastic, but it sure is difficult to maintain. And it was about a year ago that I started picking up the pieces of my shattered box once full of fear and began learning how to do things differently.

When school started, my new found freedom was still pretty fresh. I can almost say that I had become a different person...different in a good way. But, I still had my "training-wheels" on. I sent my kids to school while I pretended to have it all together. I was happy for them to go back to their friends and teachers and wanted them to be there. At the same time, I wanted them home. I missed my kids. I worried about them. I couldn't even bring myself to run errands in town while they were in school. What if they needed me? My schedule at the time didn't really allow for me to volunteer...and what little time I did have, I usually spent alone with my Bible and my thoughts. I really needed that time to myself as my anxiety was constantly trying to creep back. Adam and I would catch a few "hello's" every now and then, but for the most part, if I was home, I was by myself. Though working from home on his non-travel days, Adam was only around ONE time when we both could actually have lunch together. Yes folks, in the 3.5 months that the kids were going to school full-time Adam and I were both so busy that we only had lunch together ONE measly time.

By December, I wasn't cleaning as many houses, our women's Bible study had fizzled because of so many sick children, Adam was set to have some time off, yet I was still in constant inner turmoil. Our family started the battle with sickness, and I continued to recover from my cousin's suicide. I had so many things going through my mind during that time. I was constantly thinking, praying, worrying. I would drop my kids off at the school turnaround and then pull in the parking lot to pray for them. Pray for what exactly? The Lord's covering over their day. That was the only way I could leave the school with any peace in my heart.

I really didn't want the decision to homeschool to be a cop-out for dealing with my fears. But, I couldn't help but feel like that's what I was doing, despite the many good and legitimate reasons I had for homeschooling. It wasn't until I was knee-deep in homeschool stress that God showed me that this was most definitely in His plan. Sure, it hasn't been easy. In fact, the entire month of February was one of the worst months of my life. But the stress I experience as mom and teacher is a different kind, and I now have a greater peace than I have felt in quite some time. The benefits of being home with my kids greatly outweigh any doubts I have, or any sadness I feel about them not being able to attend September's "first day of school" event. I'm really looking forward to the upcoming school year (thankful for another 1.5 month break though!!) and I know that the experience will continue to refine me as a person and as a mom.

Phew...what started as a easy-breezy blog post turned into a bit more. My intention was to post some VERY belated photos of last September's "first day of school." Here they are...