Today I received the last of the kids' books for next school year, and I found myself pondering over that "first day of school." I started to feel sad. I'm so used to thinking "traditionally." I like traditions, milestones, rites of passage. They give me that warm fuzzy that helps me relate to others. And part of me feels sad that my kids won't be experiencing that "first day of school" tradition next school year.
I was reservedly excited for Soren to start kindergarten last year. I had grand ideas of getting lots of projects done at home and enjoying some quiet time to myself. However, I wasn't in a good place emotionally at that time and my moments of quiet were actually moments of anxiety. My kids were constantly on my mind and I felt paralyzed. I was also very busy, so any projects I intended to start/finish were put on stand-by. I was still cleaning houses many days out of the week, hosting a weekly women's Bible study, and trying to complete my daily duties as "mom" and "dad." Adam was gone most of the time for work...in another state...far far away.
When you're a mom, you don't have time to be depressed or out of sorts. I think I had spent too many years bearing an unnecessary amount of weight on my shoulders that I had become accustomed to stress. And when Soren's health went sour about 3 years ago, I buried that stress and continued to stuff it, and stuff it, and stuff it....until it started to overflow and it started to overwhelm me. Then, when Soren's health started to improve, every little stress, though less frequent, continued pile and show itself in the form of fear and anxiety. I just wanted life back the way it was before. Soren's perpetual illness had changed me somehow. If I was only worried every now and then before, I was now worried all the time, regardless of his upward progress to health. It took some time, but with lots of prayer and seeking God, I eventually reached a breaking point, and the box full of pent up stress/anxiety/fear broke free. Freedom. It sounds fantastic, but it sure is difficult to maintain. And it was about a year ago that I started picking up the pieces of my shattered box once full of fear and began learning how to do things differently.
When school started, my new found freedom was still pretty fresh. I can almost say that I had become a different person...different in a good way. But, I still had my "training-wheels" on. I sent my kids to school while I pretended to have it all together. I was happy for them to go back to their friends and teachers and wanted them to be there. At the same time, I wanted them home. I missed my kids. I worried about them. I couldn't even bring myself to run errands in town while they were in school. What if they needed me? My schedule at the time didn't really allow for me to volunteer...and what little time I did have, I usually spent alone with my Bible and my thoughts. I really needed that time to myself as my anxiety was constantly trying to creep back. Adam and I would catch a few "hello's" every now and then, but for the most part, if I was home, I was by myself. Though working from home on his non-travel days, Adam was only around ONE time when we both could actually have lunch together. Yes folks, in the 3.5 months that the kids were going to school full-time Adam and I were both so busy that we only had lunch together ONE measly time.
By December, I wasn't cleaning as many houses, our women's Bible study had fizzled because of so many sick children, Adam was set to have some time off, yet I was still in constant inner turmoil. Our family started the battle with sickness, and I continued to recover from my cousin's suicide. I had so many things going through my mind during that time. I was constantly thinking, praying, worrying. I would drop my kids off at the school turnaround and then pull in the parking lot to pray for them. Pray for what exactly? The Lord's covering over their day. That was the only way I could leave the school with any peace in my heart.
I really didn't want the decision to homeschool to be a cop-out for dealing with my fears. But, I couldn't help but feel like that's what I was doing, despite the many good and legitimate reasons I had for homeschooling. It wasn't until I was knee-deep in homeschool stress that God showed me that this was most definitely in His plan. Sure, it hasn't been easy. In fact, the entire month of February was one of the worst months of my life. But the stress I experience as mom and teacher is a different kind, and I now have a greater peace than I have felt in quite some time. The benefits of being home with my kids greatly outweigh any doubts I have, or any sadness I feel about them not being able to attend September's "first day of school" event. I'm really looking forward to the upcoming school year (thankful for another 1.5 month break though!!) and I know that the experience will continue to refine me as a person and as a mom.
Phew...what started as a easy-breezy blog post turned into a bit more. My intention was to post some VERY belated photos of last September's "first day of school." Here they are...
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| Kindergarten home visit with Mrs. Gantenbien. I think Soren was pretty happy to get Mrs. G, as she was Synnove's kinder teacher as well! |
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| First day of school (for Soren) September 2012 |
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| Waiting in the lunchroom with buddies Brooke and Jake O'Connor |
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| He looks a little shell-shocked...he wasn't super excited, but I know he had fun with his old buddies from preschool. |
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| Synnove with her SUPER wonderful 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Hansen |
1 comment:
As you know, struggles not a bad thing- in fact it is good. It helps us sort through life and put things where they belong. It's something we are privileged to do. I say that because if we didn't belong to the Lord, He wouldn't be calling us to 'sort things out'. He's given you a contemplative and analytic mind and with comes the responsibility to deal with 'your stuff'. That's a good thing, a hard thing...but good. I'm glad you are wading through. Learning to walk in freedom is a daily habit, as you've discovered. Should you find the 'old man' attached in anyway, cast him off int he name of Jesus and refuse to entertain whatever thoughts etc. that are creeping back in. Initially it's difficult, but I find that if I am stubborn about my vigilance by the time an hour is up- I'm back in freedom. There is a good use for stubbornness- when applied to trust and faith in God and His Word. Otherwise "it's as divination" as the OT says. I've been praying for you a lot lately. There's victory- don't hesitate, persevere through. The freedom is worth it and your kids are counting on you to get there. :)
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