Phew...I've survived 9 whole weeks.
Like most people, I've had many challenges in my life. When my daughter was born, life changed. God had entrusted me to care for her, love her, and teach her how to find her way. I don't think I will ever forget how I felt those first few weeks of being Synnove's Mom. I was lonely, exhausted, and defeated. I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen. I was prepared for the challenge of bringing home a newborn...but I wasn't prepared for Synnove.
This is a perfect picture of how homeschooling has been. Going into it, I knew it was going to be difficult. I knew the behavior issues would escalate. However, I was not prepared for such a severe degree of escalation. I'm not sure I have the proper words to describe what the eyes of our house have witnessed in the last several weeks. You may think you understand. You may think you have an equally challenging child. But, I have a strong hunch that you don't. I think the only person on Earth who can identify with my plight is my mother...because I am her daughter.
Being "me" is my only saving grace. That, and the fact that God is on my side. I understand her complicated inner workings, yet they cannot be labeled. I've read books, searched websites, and talked to countless individuals. I have come up with few answers. One of the few things I'm sure of is that I most definitely made the right decision. And another thing I'm sure of...I (we) will be blessed for it.
We made small progress today, and I can only hope that progress will continue. As I seek God and put His Word at the forefront of our days, I begin to see light. Teaching will, once again, become a joy and I will actually want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't want to admit it, but I have reached that fragile point where I just can't take it anymore. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to let God. Today we started with prayer...prayer on our knees. Two minutes later, as another sting ensued, we continued with tears. I can't help it. My heart just perpetually breaks...and the bandage of bitterness that I've used for so many years to conceal hurt has lost it's effectiveness. My son keeps me going...he picks up the pieces of my heart. He is my Jesus in the flesh and shows me how to love when love just doesn't seem possible.
I am so thankful for each of my children. And my love for them is so deep that it actually causes pain in my soul. My time with them is short, and it is so very important that I be the best mom I can be. God gave me these lives to care for on Earth, and he expects me to make them my number one priority. Also...without them, I wouldn't be who I am today. They teach me things about myself, give me new perspectives, and sanctify my faith. God's handiwork is perfect! I may be in one of the greatest trials of my life, but I can't help but be excited for what's to come.
More details on homeschooling coming soon... :)
2 comments:
Our children are wonderful gifts from God. It's our job to properly 'unwrap' the present. It can be a painful process when that lovely present is wrapped in our own flesh and blood. Each pull of the wrapping brings a tear in our own flesh. But as you already know, there's an exceptional gem waiting to be revealed that's worth every difficulty and pain. And the wonderful thing is we get to grow better, stronger, free'r, more whole as we face ourselves. You have a good and whole perspective and I know that you know that it's all more than worth your effort. I love you. You're doing a good job.
Wow Nicole,
You articulated that so well. It brought me back to when I was a young mother trying to slog through, this experience of motherhood that I had forever fantasized and dreamed about. I was going to be the perfect mom....full of patience, love and homemade cookies. The reality was that I was very tired, overcome with mourning the absence of my mom, feeling alone with Steve gone much of that time, and disappointment that I was not the perfect mother that I so wanted to be.
I look back now with a deep sense of, not regret but accomplishment and victory. That victory and accomplishment was won with a price I did not pay or deserve BUT only with the sheer understanding that Jesus was ALWAYS my rock, my guide, my comforter, and my way through. Trust me, Kamille was quite strong willed and so much of the time I felt like I was failing her. Your mom was a great support to me during those years. But through the fact of the circumstances God chose for me, He really was showing me who He really was and how much He wanted to be apart of every minute of my days, leading and coaching me on the way I needed to go. You are a gem Nicole and I get choked up with pride and love for you at how wise, real, and beautiful you are. Having seen every aspect of your growing up I so clearly see how the Lord has guided and protected you. You are so very special to all of us who love you, and He will make a way when there seems to be no way.......Love auntie K.
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