Baring My Heart a Little

Today I received the last of the kids' books for next school year, and I found myself pondering over that "first day of school."  I started to feel sad.  I'm so used to thinking "traditionally."  I like traditions, milestones, rites of passage.  They give me that warm fuzzy that helps me relate to others.  And part of me feels sad that my kids won't be experiencing that "first day of school" tradition next school year. 

 

I was reservedly excited for Soren to start kindergarten last year.  I had grand ideas of getting lots of projects done at home and enjoying some quiet time to myself.  However, I wasn't in a good place emotionally at that time and my moments of quiet were actually moments of anxiety.  My kids were constantly on my mind and I felt paralyzed.  I was also very busy, so any projects I intended to start/finish were put on stand-by.  I was still cleaning houses many days out of the week, hosting a weekly women's Bible study, and trying to complete my daily duties as "mom" and "dad."  Adam was gone most of the time for work...in another state...far far away. 

 

When you're a mom, you don't have time to be depressed or out of sorts.  I think I had spent too many years bearing an unnecessary amount of weight on my shoulders that I had become accustomed to stress.  And when Soren's health went sour about 3 years ago, I buried that stress and continued to stuff it, and stuff it, and stuff it....until it started to overflow and it started to overwhelm me.  Then, when Soren's health started to improve, every little stress, though less frequent, continued pile and show itself in the form of fear and anxiety. I just wanted life back the way it was before.  Soren's perpetual illness had changed me somehow.  If I was only worried every now and then before, I was now worried all the time, regardless of his upward progress to health.  It took some time, but with lots of prayer and seeking God, I eventually reached a breaking point, and the box full of pent up stress/anxiety/fear broke free.  Freedom.  It sounds fantastic, but it sure is difficult to maintain.  And it was about a year ago that I started picking up the pieces of my shattered box once full of fear and began learning how to do things differently.

 

When school started, my new found freedom was still pretty fresh.  I can almost say that I had become a different person...different in a good way.  But, I still had my "training-wheels" on.  I sent my kids to school while I pretended to have it all together.  I was happy for them to go back to their friends and teachers and wanted them to be there.  At the same time, I wanted them home.  I missed my kids.  I worried about them.  I couldn't even bring myself to run errands in town while they were in school.  What if they needed me?  My schedule at the time didn't really allow for me to volunteer...and what little time I did have, I usually spent alone with my Bible and my thoughts.  I really needed that time to myself as my anxiety was constantly trying to creep back.  Adam and I would catch a few "hello's" every now and then, but for the most part, if I was home, I was by myself.  Though working from home on his non-travel days, Adam was only around ONE time when we both could actually have lunch together.  Yes folks, in the 3.5 months that the kids were going to school full-time Adam and I were both so busy that we only had lunch together ONE measly time.

 

By December, I wasn't cleaning as many houses, our women's Bible study had fizzled because of so many sick children, Adam was set to have some time off, yet I was still in constant inner turmoil.  Our family started the battle with sickness, and I continued to recover from my cousin's suicide.  I had so many things going through my mind during that time.  I was constantly thinking, praying, worrying.  I would drop my kids off at the school turnaround and then pull in the parking lot to pray for them.  Pray for what exactly?  The Lord's covering over their day.  That was the only way I could leave the school with any peace in my heart.

 

I really didn't want the decision to homeschool to be a cop-out for dealing with my fears.  But, I couldn't help but feel like that's what I was doing, despite the many good and legitimate reasons I had for homeschooling.  It wasn't until I was knee-deep in homeschool stress that God showed me that this was most definitely in His plan.  Sure, it hasn't been easy.  In fact, the entire month of February was one of the worst months of my life.  But the stress I experience as mom and teacher is a different kind, and I now have a greater peace than I have felt in quite some time.  The benefits of being home with my kids greatly outweigh any doubts I have, or any sadness I feel about them not being able to attend September's "first day of school" event.  I'm really looking forward to the upcoming school year (thankful for another 1.5 month break though!!) and I know that the experience will continue to refine me as a person and as a mom.

 

Phew...what started as a easy-breezy blog post turned into a bit more.  My intention was to post some VERY belated photos of last September's "first day of school."  Here they are...

 

 



Kindergarten home visit with Mrs. Gantenbien.  I think Soren was pretty happy to get Mrs. G, as she was Synnove's kinder teacher as well!

 

First day of school (for Soren) September 2012

Waiting in the lunchroom with buddies Brooke and Jake O'Connor



He looks a little shell-shocked...he wasn't super excited, but I know he had fun with his old buddies from preschool.

Synnove with her SUPER wonderful 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Hansen

The Berry End of the 2012-1013 School Year

School is finally over.  Our last day was June 14th with Synnove finishing up her last few lessons of math.  The major change is now our new normal and the upset is virtually nil.  I am happy.  We didn't accomplish the things I intended, but we survived.  Thankfully, our days started to smooth out as the busy-ness of spring started to creep...not to mention the magnetic draw to venture out into our unusually warm and beautiful spring weather!  Who'd have thought I'd be able to get a nice brown glow from a week of sunbathing in April?!  I will say, though, our school days often still lasted till evening, but not because of screaming fits of rage and refusal.  Sunshine on the little piece of heaven we call "home" is a constant distraction, especially after being cooped up all winter.

 

We are officially enrolled with Oregon Connections Academy for the fall, and I'm looking forward to starting fresh.  The idea of doing 100% home school has been permanently placed on the back burner(for now).  I can never say "for sure" that things won't change in the future.  I just can't imagine putting myself, or my kids, through another change.  I'm not ready, nor am I dissatisfied with the program we are currently in.  I realize that there are a LOT of fantastic programs out there and that there are some that would be much better than what we're doing.  But, I've weighed the options in my head, and I really feel that ORCA is the compromise that will work best for the situation we, as a family, are in.  ORCA provides "flexible structure."  I had legitimate reasons for why I never wanted to home school...ORCA allows for those reasons to still stand (to some degree).

 

Summer is a welcome break...as always.  It's funny how some things just don't change.  For instance, the kids have been at each other's throats this last week!  It really was a true "first week of summer break" even though the kids weren't in regular school.  Haha!

 

On the 13th we went on one last ORCA field trip for the school year with Soren's super-awesome teacher, Mr. Jason Webber.  Jason was also my friend Andrea's daughter's teacher (this was ideal for planning and coordinating school stuff!).  Andrea and I caravaned with 6 kids to Sauvie Island to pick strawberries in the uncooperative weather.  We got SOAKED, but made the best of it.

 

 

Raelynn and Soren (Mr. Webber's 1st graders)



 

Jason's mom, Jason's daughter Hazel, Katelynn, Andrea, Rae (in the back), and Synnove



Synnove and Kate with boots caked in mud trying not to slip on the way back to pay

Rae, Jason, Soren, and Synnove

Me as a Classroom Teacher

My full-time student teaching practicum was difficult.  For some odd reason I had been placed in a bilingual classroom where about 2/3 of students were Hispanic and many of them spoke little or no English.  I don't speak spanish.  In addition to the language barrier, I had at least 3 students on a strict behavior plan, 3-4 medicated ADD/ADHD students, 1 severely learning disabled student, and 1 student with Asberger's syndrome.  Quite honestly, I felt like I was running a circus.  I was the only student in my 30-student elementary education cohort that had to be visited on-site by my professor.  My professor had to see with her own eyes what I was dealing with on a daily basis.  She agreed; I was a special case.

Despite the many issues I had, I really did enjoy the good times I spent with the students.  It was hard to get much of any actual teaching done, considering I didn't speak Spanish.  My cooperating teacher had to be in the classroom at all times to translate for me.  Plus, I was constantly chasing my Asberger's student around the room and trying to keep him from being disruptive and out of control (his parents refused to agree with a diagnosis, so he couldn't be put on an IEP and didn't have an aid). There were days I would go home and cry...but it was the hearts of my students that kept me going.  They were kind, generous, and understanding.  And even though that was 11 years ago, I can still see their faces and remember their names.

When I was done with student teaching, I wasn't that interested in getting a job in a public school (go figure!).  But, jobs were scarce, so I applied for anything.  I interviewed for 2 or 3 positions, but there was always a better, more experienced applicant.  I even registered as a sub in the Corvallis, Albany, and Lebanon school districts...but I never got a call...there were too many subs, and teachers already had their favorites. By December, I was desperate to work ANYwhere.  I started applying at preschools, Head Start, and "glorified" daycares.  I interviewed for two positions.  One paid minimum wage (daycare) with little opportunity for a pay raise, and the other actually paid a salary!  If I remember correctly, the salary was around $18,000 with FULL benefits.  Plus, it was an actual "teacher" position.  I wasn't the lead teacher, but frankly, I didn't care.  I just needed a job.

The job was exhausting and monotonous.  I enjoyed the people I worked with, but the students were extremely challenging.  I worked at a facility for high-risk, and often low-income, students.  And, ohmygoodnessgracious...my patience was tested hourly.  In order to get through a day, I often felt I needed to be an expert in speech and vision impairment, autism, sensory disorders, and SEVERE behavior.  There was one student in particular...I will never forget him.  We needed two teachers to restrain him in the hallway on a daily basis.  He would spit at you, cuss at you, kick you...he even smeared his own feces on the wall once.

So many of the kids were victims of abuse or divorce.  Many of the others were just in need of extra help.  It was kind of like running a sort of group OT session for 9 hours each day (I worked in an "extended-day" program).  A typical OT session is one on one...so you can only imagine how chaotic my days often were.

I worked there for about 9 very long months until I was laid off due to statewide budget cuts.  It was a blessing, really.  A few weeks later, I landed a teaching position at a private Christian school in Eugene.  It was an hour commute, but I was getting the opportunity to teach with two of my fellow GFU graduates!  The pay was virtually exactly the same as my preschool job once you factored in the fact that they offered no health benefits.  Woo hoo!??

Poor pay aside, I was just happy to finally be in a teaching position that I thoroughly enjoyed.  I loved it!  I had 11 2nd and 3rd graders that I looked forward to seeing each and every day.  And, the staff was like family.  Sure, I had issues on occasion...and about 90% of those issues were from parents. I was screamed at (yes, I said "screamed"), lectured, and virtually threatened.  Issues in private school settings often deal with angry parents.  I think they presume that because they pay for their kids' education, they are entitled to special treatment.  Little do they know, private schools are usually poorer and have much fewer resources than public schools.  The issues usually got smoothed out, but some parents are never happy.  Thankfully, I had a principal that backed me up 100%. 

At the end of the school year I found out I was pregnant, Adam was graduating for the 2nd time (graduated 3 times in all!), and we were moving.  I've never gone back to teaching, and I have little desire to ever teach in a classroom again.  I think, in order to be a successful teacher, one needs to be extremely passionate about it.  One would have to be in order to put up with all the abuse!

Looking back, I'm not sure why I was placed in such challenging positions.  Maybe it's because God knew I needed the experience? Haha...no, seriously.  Each child is different. Each age is different. There is no fool-proof formula for success.  Then, when you find something that works, the situation changes, and you are back to square one!

I'm not holding my breath, but the roller coaster I've been on for the last 2.5 months seems to be slowing down.  I've had a solid 4 days of home school success!  I'm elated!  Today, we were able to finish school before lunch!!  Finally, we may just be able to achieve that flexibility I was hoping for :)

The Long Overdue Home School Update

Phew...I've survived 9 whole weeks.

Like most people, I've had many challenges in my life.  When my daughter was born, life changed.  God had entrusted me to care for her, love her, and teach her how to find her way.  I don't think I will ever forget how I felt those first few weeks of being Synnove's Mom.  I was lonely, exhausted, and defeated.  I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen.  I was prepared for the challenge of bringing home a newborn...but I wasn't prepared for Synnove.

This is a perfect picture of how homeschooling has been.  Going into it, I knew it was going to be difficult.  I knew the behavior issues would escalate.  However, I was not prepared for such a severe degree of escalation.  I'm not sure I have the proper words to describe what the eyes of our house have witnessed in the last several weeks.  You may think you understand.  You may think you have an equally challenging child.  But, I have a strong hunch that you don't.  I think the only person on Earth who can identify with my plight is my mother...because I am her daughter.

Being "me" is my only saving grace.  That, and the fact that God is on my side.  I understand her complicated inner workings, yet they cannot be labeled.  I've read books, searched websites, and talked to countless individuals.  I have come up with few answers.  One of the few things I'm sure of is that I most definitely made the right decision.  And another thing I'm sure of...I (we) will be blessed for it.

We made small progress today, and I can only hope that progress will continue.  As I seek God and put His Word at the forefront of our days, I begin to see light.  Teaching will, once again, become a joy and I will actually want to get out of bed in the morning.  I don't want to admit it, but I have reached that fragile point where I just can't take it anymore. I'm learning to let go.  I'm learning to let God.  Today we started with prayer...prayer on our knees.  Two minutes later, as another sting ensued, we continued with tears.  I can't help it.  My heart just perpetually breaks...and the bandage of bitterness that I've used for so many years to conceal hurt has lost it's effectiveness.  My son keeps me going...he picks up the pieces of my heart.  He is my Jesus in the flesh and shows me how to love when love just doesn't seem possible.

I am so thankful for each of my children.  And my love for them is so deep that it actually causes pain in my soul.  My time with them is short, and it is so very important that I be the best mom I can be.  God gave me these lives to care for on Earth, and he expects me to make them my number one priority.  Also...without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.  They teach me things about myself, give me new perspectives, and sanctify my faith.  God's handiwork is perfect! I may be in one of the greatest trials of my life, but I can't help but be excited for what's to come. 

More details on homeschooling coming soon...   :)

A New Year, A New Beginning

It's the day after Christmas, and I have a million things to do.  There are still gifts in opened and unopened boxes all over the house.  The kids are currently enjoying our brand new flat screen amongst blocks of Styrofoam and ripped open clear plastic bags.  Adam is off running errands and spending gift cards from last Christmas. And I'm just sitting here overwhelmed, so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start. 

In the last month or so, I've been trying to get the downstairs organized and sorted.  It's gone nowhere.  Well, not completely nowhere...just almost nowhere.  As usual, life has gotten in the way.  Mostly, our joyous holiday season was interrupted by a most unfortunate event; my cousin Bryan's suicide.  I've contemplated blogging on that...and maybe I will someday, but not today.  Anyway, after a good two weeks of grief and brain fog I had to find the time to find 26 thoughtful gifts for Christmas. This number doesn't include my husband, or the gifts that Santa brings...so I had my work cut out for me! Normally, I don't wait until after Thanksgiving to get my shopping done.  So, finding the time to organize amongst shopping, taking care of my family (2 bouts of strep, 3 colds, and a tummy bug), school, work, and whatever else I do as a virtually single parent was near impossible.  I say "virtually single parent" because Adam has been traveling about 80% of the time in the last 3-4 months.  With all that said, I found myself asking "why?"  Why, as a stay-at-home mom, can I not find the time to get anything done?

I've said it before...I enjoy being busy.  I like doing things for people, working on projects, being involved with school and church activities, etc.  It was my hope that my life would slow down once both kids were in school full time.  Quite the contrary has happened.  Sure, I may have a few slower mornings where I get to enjoy some "me" time, but once the clock strikes 2:40 life begins.  That's about the time I get in the car (if I'm not in it already) and head to pick up the kids from school.  The kids are in school for 7 hours, and they have no desire to think about school when they get home, let alone do their homework.  This is a touchy subject for me.  I hate homework.  As a kid, I always tried my best to make sure I managed my time well enough at school to not have to do any of it.  Usually, I succeeded, and it was like a reward.  School has changed in the last several years and now homework is part of every child's day.  Assigned homework.  Daily assigned homework.  And when you have a kindergartner and a 2nd grader, it might as well be called "daily assigned parent homework."  I, along with my kids, do this homework every night.  And despite the fact that it shouldn't take that long...it does.  Add that to bath time, dinner time, and play time...you are left with no. more. time.  Forget extra activities, going to town, etc.  Believe me, I do actually understand why kids have assigned homework these days.  And it's not just homework that wears me down.  Really, that's just the tip of the iceberg!

There is a point to this rambling...and I'm getting to it.

So why have I been trying to clear and organize my downstairs? Because I'm taking the plunge.  I'm going to do what I said I would NEVER do. I'm going to home school my kids.  I'm going to start out with a public online charter, and maybe do 100% home school in the future.

I still have mixed feelings about this decision.  I love the school my kids attend.  I think, as far as public schools go, it's pretty awesome.  My kids have great friends there, and fantastic teachers. I guess I just want something more for my family.  I want to give my kids more time to be kids...more time to enjoy the home that they love.  I want to teach them how to be successful, responsible, contributing members of this world that God created.  I also want to build better relationships with them.  As it sits now, the time I spend with them is short, strained, and often on-the-go. 

Yes, this is a commitment...a very big time commitment on my part.  I say I don't have enough time.  Well, my days will look very different with two school-age kids in tow all the time.  And I can't fully predict the future, but I have a strong hunch that the stress in my life is going to start to diminish. Sounds crazy, but I have high hopes.

Bottom line: The Lord has blessed me with the ability to stay home with my kids.  He has also blessed me with a good education...a degree in elementary education, to be exact! So why not try out this home school thing?  I'm hoping for the best, but if I find it doesn't work out, I have a great school to send them back to.

Brownsmead Campout

(From Mid-August 2012)

 

For those that don't live in the area, Brownsmead is a small farming community that is basically on a Columbia River flood plain.  It's quite beautiful when it isn't covered in water...haha!  Brownsmead is a part of the Knappa/Svensen community and we all share Astoria's zip code.  My dear friend Andrea Weaver lives in Brownsmead where her and her husband Craig raise beef cattle.  Craig's family owns and operates Aldrich Point Dairy (also in Brownsmead) which wholesales milk to the famous "Tillamook" brand factories. Craig all but runs the dairy, and I'm sure one day soon he will take over completely. 

 

Anyway, at around mid-summer Andrea's parents graciously gave her their old travel trailer figuring her family would use it more than they. Andrea was stoked and immediately began devising plans to go on a trip.  It's "maiden voyage" was to the Clatsop County Fair and shortly after that...her "back 40."  Yep, we towed our trailers to her back yard.  Their cattle farm is on Blind Slough.  Country kids can find endless things to do when you provide them with a giant field, some dirt, a campfire, and a slough. 

 

We camped three nights total...mainly just our two trailers.  Our friend Sarah Rogers and her kids stayed one night in a tent as well.  While we were there, we had several visitors (Jasper's, Nicholson's, Jacobson's, Kinder's, and Adams') and overall, it was a great time.

 

Raelynn showing off her catch to Brayden, Katelynn, Emily...Cody is staring off the other way.

We had well-planned meals.  This was BBQ chicken night.

Andrea and I 

Soren was CONSTANTLY in the fire...Cody joined the fun

The Nicholson's brought their bean-bag game.  It was pretty competitive! This is Andrea and Daniel Jasper...not sure who their partners were in this round.

Andrea's brother Nick is a fishing fool! He was constantly baiting hooks and here he caught at least two catfish on one cast.  I filleted those slimy fish the next day and we ate them.  They were quite tasty!!

All the kids are impressed with the catfish

The kids caught quite a handful of frogs.

 

Synnove and Kate on the mini

Even the girls got their hands dirty :)

Card games in the trailer. I actually have a better picture of the kids with a flash, but I thought this picture captured the moment much better.  Fun memories :)

Fruit

I think it was the perfect summer on the coast.  We even had enough sun to grow some fruit! Over the last couple of years, Adam has planted several trees.  I admit, I haven't been as "on board" with this investment as I could have, especially since many of the trees we purchased were already starting to mature.  I think we have somewhere between 13 and 15 trees...and they are all different. We've got plums, pears, cherries, nectarines, apricots, and various apples.  I know that a few have died, but not sure which ones.  This year we were able to harvest a few from about 1/2 of the trees.  I think the most exciting harvest was the nectarines! I would have never thought we could grow them in this climate!

 

 



Golden Apple

 

Yummy Nectarines!

 

The next 3 photos are from picking the old apple tree in front of our house.  It was LOADED this year!!

 

 

Here's a view of 1/2 our mini orchard/grove.  The kids are watering in their undies.  Guess they were hot that day...   :)