Baring My Heart a Little

Today I received the last of the kids' books for next school year, and I found myself pondering over that "first day of school."  I started to feel sad.  I'm so used to thinking "traditionally."  I like traditions, milestones, rites of passage.  They give me that warm fuzzy that helps me relate to others.  And part of me feels sad that my kids won't be experiencing that "first day of school" tradition next school year. 

 

I was reservedly excited for Soren to start kindergarten last year.  I had grand ideas of getting lots of projects done at home and enjoying some quiet time to myself.  However, I wasn't in a good place emotionally at that time and my moments of quiet were actually moments of anxiety.  My kids were constantly on my mind and I felt paralyzed.  I was also very busy, so any projects I intended to start/finish were put on stand-by.  I was still cleaning houses many days out of the week, hosting a weekly women's Bible study, and trying to complete my daily duties as "mom" and "dad."  Adam was gone most of the time for work...in another state...far far away. 

 

When you're a mom, you don't have time to be depressed or out of sorts.  I think I had spent too many years bearing an unnecessary amount of weight on my shoulders that I had become accustomed to stress.  And when Soren's health went sour about 3 years ago, I buried that stress and continued to stuff it, and stuff it, and stuff it....until it started to overflow and it started to overwhelm me.  Then, when Soren's health started to improve, every little stress, though less frequent, continued pile and show itself in the form of fear and anxiety. I just wanted life back the way it was before.  Soren's perpetual illness had changed me somehow.  If I was only worried every now and then before, I was now worried all the time, regardless of his upward progress to health.  It took some time, but with lots of prayer and seeking God, I eventually reached a breaking point, and the box full of pent up stress/anxiety/fear broke free.  Freedom.  It sounds fantastic, but it sure is difficult to maintain.  And it was about a year ago that I started picking up the pieces of my shattered box once full of fear and began learning how to do things differently.

 

When school started, my new found freedom was still pretty fresh.  I can almost say that I had become a different person...different in a good way.  But, I still had my "training-wheels" on.  I sent my kids to school while I pretended to have it all together.  I was happy for them to go back to their friends and teachers and wanted them to be there.  At the same time, I wanted them home.  I missed my kids.  I worried about them.  I couldn't even bring myself to run errands in town while they were in school.  What if they needed me?  My schedule at the time didn't really allow for me to volunteer...and what little time I did have, I usually spent alone with my Bible and my thoughts.  I really needed that time to myself as my anxiety was constantly trying to creep back.  Adam and I would catch a few "hello's" every now and then, but for the most part, if I was home, I was by myself.  Though working from home on his non-travel days, Adam was only around ONE time when we both could actually have lunch together.  Yes folks, in the 3.5 months that the kids were going to school full-time Adam and I were both so busy that we only had lunch together ONE measly time.

 

By December, I wasn't cleaning as many houses, our women's Bible study had fizzled because of so many sick children, Adam was set to have some time off, yet I was still in constant inner turmoil.  Our family started the battle with sickness, and I continued to recover from my cousin's suicide.  I had so many things going through my mind during that time.  I was constantly thinking, praying, worrying.  I would drop my kids off at the school turnaround and then pull in the parking lot to pray for them.  Pray for what exactly?  The Lord's covering over their day.  That was the only way I could leave the school with any peace in my heart.

 

I really didn't want the decision to homeschool to be a cop-out for dealing with my fears.  But, I couldn't help but feel like that's what I was doing, despite the many good and legitimate reasons I had for homeschooling.  It wasn't until I was knee-deep in homeschool stress that God showed me that this was most definitely in His plan.  Sure, it hasn't been easy.  In fact, the entire month of February was one of the worst months of my life.  But the stress I experience as mom and teacher is a different kind, and I now have a greater peace than I have felt in quite some time.  The benefits of being home with my kids greatly outweigh any doubts I have, or any sadness I feel about them not being able to attend September's "first day of school" event.  I'm really looking forward to the upcoming school year (thankful for another 1.5 month break though!!) and I know that the experience will continue to refine me as a person and as a mom.

 

Phew...what started as a easy-breezy blog post turned into a bit more.  My intention was to post some VERY belated photos of last September's "first day of school."  Here they are...

 

 



Kindergarten home visit with Mrs. Gantenbien.  I think Soren was pretty happy to get Mrs. G, as she was Synnove's kinder teacher as well!

 

First day of school (for Soren) September 2012

Waiting in the lunchroom with buddies Brooke and Jake O'Connor



He looks a little shell-shocked...he wasn't super excited, but I know he had fun with his old buddies from preschool.

Synnove with her SUPER wonderful 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Hansen

A New Year, A New Beginning

It's the day after Christmas, and I have a million things to do.  There are still gifts in opened and unopened boxes all over the house.  The kids are currently enjoying our brand new flat screen amongst blocks of Styrofoam and ripped open clear plastic bags.  Adam is off running errands and spending gift cards from last Christmas. And I'm just sitting here overwhelmed, so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start. 

In the last month or so, I've been trying to get the downstairs organized and sorted.  It's gone nowhere.  Well, not completely nowhere...just almost nowhere.  As usual, life has gotten in the way.  Mostly, our joyous holiday season was interrupted by a most unfortunate event; my cousin Bryan's suicide.  I've contemplated blogging on that...and maybe I will someday, but not today.  Anyway, after a good two weeks of grief and brain fog I had to find the time to find 26 thoughtful gifts for Christmas. This number doesn't include my husband, or the gifts that Santa brings...so I had my work cut out for me! Normally, I don't wait until after Thanksgiving to get my shopping done.  So, finding the time to organize amongst shopping, taking care of my family (2 bouts of strep, 3 colds, and a tummy bug), school, work, and whatever else I do as a virtually single parent was near impossible.  I say "virtually single parent" because Adam has been traveling about 80% of the time in the last 3-4 months.  With all that said, I found myself asking "why?"  Why, as a stay-at-home mom, can I not find the time to get anything done?

I've said it before...I enjoy being busy.  I like doing things for people, working on projects, being involved with school and church activities, etc.  It was my hope that my life would slow down once both kids were in school full time.  Quite the contrary has happened.  Sure, I may have a few slower mornings where I get to enjoy some "me" time, but once the clock strikes 2:40 life begins.  That's about the time I get in the car (if I'm not in it already) and head to pick up the kids from school.  The kids are in school for 7 hours, and they have no desire to think about school when they get home, let alone do their homework.  This is a touchy subject for me.  I hate homework.  As a kid, I always tried my best to make sure I managed my time well enough at school to not have to do any of it.  Usually, I succeeded, and it was like a reward.  School has changed in the last several years and now homework is part of every child's day.  Assigned homework.  Daily assigned homework.  And when you have a kindergartner and a 2nd grader, it might as well be called "daily assigned parent homework."  I, along with my kids, do this homework every night.  And despite the fact that it shouldn't take that long...it does.  Add that to bath time, dinner time, and play time...you are left with no. more. time.  Forget extra activities, going to town, etc.  Believe me, I do actually understand why kids have assigned homework these days.  And it's not just homework that wears me down.  Really, that's just the tip of the iceberg!

There is a point to this rambling...and I'm getting to it.

So why have I been trying to clear and organize my downstairs? Because I'm taking the plunge.  I'm going to do what I said I would NEVER do. I'm going to home school my kids.  I'm going to start out with a public online charter, and maybe do 100% home school in the future.

I still have mixed feelings about this decision.  I love the school my kids attend.  I think, as far as public schools go, it's pretty awesome.  My kids have great friends there, and fantastic teachers. I guess I just want something more for my family.  I want to give my kids more time to be kids...more time to enjoy the home that they love.  I want to teach them how to be successful, responsible, contributing members of this world that God created.  I also want to build better relationships with them.  As it sits now, the time I spend with them is short, strained, and often on-the-go. 

Yes, this is a commitment...a very big time commitment on my part.  I say I don't have enough time.  Well, my days will look very different with two school-age kids in tow all the time.  And I can't fully predict the future, but I have a strong hunch that the stress in my life is going to start to diminish. Sounds crazy, but I have high hopes.

Bottom line: The Lord has blessed me with the ability to stay home with my kids.  He has also blessed me with a good education...a degree in elementary education, to be exact! So why not try out this home school thing?  I'm hoping for the best, but if I find it doesn't work out, I have a great school to send them back to.

First Day of School: Synnove

5 short years ago...

Last week...

The school years are here and it's taking me a while to get into the swing of things. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was in elementary school...and here I am, all grown-up. I'm the one signing permission slips, volunteer sign-ups, and checks to the cafeteria lady....not my mom. For Synnove, this day has been coming for a long time. I don't think she really knew what to expect. How could she? She's never been there...then again, neither have I. Quite frankly, September 13th was my first day of school as well. AND, it was Synnove's teacher's first day of school! Mrs. Gantenbien is fresh out of college and just as timid as her students for her first day.

Teachers did home-visits the week before the kindergartners started school. Both Synnove and Mrs. Gantenbien were a bit shy when they first met.

I wasn't really expecting to get emotional, but as I walked towards the school and saw "Welcome Kindergarten" on the reader board, I felt a lump form in my throat. I walked a few steps further and saw the new principal...Mrs. Collier. Not only was Mrs. Collier my 4th grade teacher, she is also my parents' neighbor and long-time friend. It's always good to see a familiar face, and it was fun to reminisce with her about school. I wanted to get a picture of her and Synnove, but she tricked me and snapped this instead...

Once we made our way in, we found the bustle of school in full swing. Everyone else had already had a week of school, and the kindergartner's were standing around like lost sheep looking longingly at their proud camera-bearing parents. Synnove wasn't completely forlorn, as there were lots of friendly faces from last year's preschool.

The clock read 8:15, and the supervisor didn't waste any time lining all the kids up. Most of the classes went to their rooms to drop off their coats and backpacks. Synnove's class stayed and waited for everyone else to return to do their morning "sing-along!" I don't know which warms my heart more...the first day of kindergarten, or morning sing-along! Every morning the k-4th grades gather to sing songs, and, apparently, they've done it that way for years. Love it!

Sing-along

After sing-along I decided to leave. It was a bit surreal for me to leave Synnove at Elementary School for an entire day of learning. Yes...and entire day...8:15-2:15! This is the first year the school has done a full-day kindergarten. So far, I think it's going well. Synnove absolutely LOVES being a school-girl :)