Ramblings of Today...September 24th, 2013

Life can be so demanding.  Sometimes I think "I only have two kids...why can't I catch a break?!"  It isn't always so busy. Or is it?  Life is good, but I'm looking forward to a break.

I think September often brings a rushed feeling.  Days are getting shorter, and the weather starts to change.  We savor our summers on the coast of Oregon, an when the rain starts to pour, the gloom sets in.  When I was a kid, I loved the fall.  September meant no more mowing the lawn and weeding the garden...and it meant that my birthday was near, along with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas!  I loved hearing the rain outside, I loved the wind, I loved the cold, and I loved the dark days.  Now that I'm "grown-up" and have a house, have land, and have kids, I savor every summer day.  The reasons why are obvious.  But, in case you are wondering, here's a few clues as to why...wet, hunting, holidays, sick, overflowing gutters, wood stove, more holidays, unfinished summer projects, school, too much TV, and mud...lots and lots of mud. By the way, I now loathe the dark days.  Oh, to be a kid again.

Today, this week, next week.  A million things to do.  Just when I think I've got a full plate, I get another text...I get asked another favor...I get reminded of that thing I was supposed to do...I...I...I!!  This has been my life lately.  My birthday was last week...why is it that on my birthday I get asked to call people, go out with people, eat with people?  I know why...but, really...why?  Why can't they call me, bring me food, or babysit my kids so that I can go out by myself?!! LOL!  Frankly, I had a lovely birthday.  I digress...

And as I sit here, thinking of what I want to write next, my mind just races. 

Yesterday, Adam sent me a text asking what our Saturday plans were and my already lit fuse almost reached the powder.  "Why are you asking?!...because if you wanna make more plans, then the answer is an emphatic 'NO!'"  Poor husband of mine.  Really, he just longs to be home to do fun things with his family.  There are many days I wish I could trade places with him.  Yes, there are days I would just love to drive around a fancy new rental car with just the radio and the GPS to keep me company, spend several hours with adults, eat at lots of fancy restaurants, and enjoy countless evenings alone in a fancy hotel room.  Ok, ok...I'll take my rose-colored glasses off.  There is no perfect.  And when you make a commitment to your husband, your kids, your life... you realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

The grass is green today, and it's on my side of the fence.  It's just wildly overgrown. 

I'm already kicking myself for taking the time to write this random post.  When I started (it's now 8:22 PM), the kids were finishing up some school work, I was waiting for paint to dry, and waiting for Miss Evelyn to wake up from her nap.  Now, as I type, the kids are talking to their daddy via "face time" and showing off their new Halloween costumes.  I close my eyes and wish they were already ready for bed...but no, they still have baths to take, teeth to brush, and prayers to say.  Every night I make a goal for bed.  Goals are nice.

I still have a full night ahead of me...baby shower projects, birthday party planning, a few loads of laundry, and I MUST tidy up the kitchen before I go insane. Oh dear...8:42...gotta round up the kids. Nighty-night blog friends.

Our Sheep

Adam started working on fencing our back field over 2 years ago.  We were tired of trying to keep our curious and mischievous puppy home, and Adam had always dreamed of raising sheep or goats.  Very shortly after he got started, some unexpected things happened at his job that didn't allow him much break for at least 1.5 years...so the fence project took way longer than planned.  He used every free moment to work on the fence throughout this spring, and finished in late June.

 

While on our 4th of July camping trip, Adam just couldn't stop thinking about getting some sheep for our freshly fenced field.  Our tractor had been broken down for 2 years (another project that was gonna take time that Adam didn't have) and our field was rapidly becoming overgrown.  We needed some living and breathing "lawn mowers" to help out ASAP.  Adam had been researching sheep for quite some time, and settled on a breed of hair sheep called Soay.  Hair sheep are the kind you don't have to shear, they just lose their wool in clumps during the warmer season.  In his research he found that one of the great things about these sheep is that they will eat brush and briers, unlike regular sheep that only like grass.  Goats are great for briers as well, but they are more destructive and can be more nuisance than help.  We have a goat and have found this to be true.  Anyway, while camping, Adam found a few ads on Craigslist and ended up picking up Uncle Don's horse trailer right after dropping our travel trailer home at the end of our vacation.  Late that evening, he and the kids returned with a mini-flock of 5 sheep that the kids re-named: one adult ram (Luke), one adult ewe (Erica), one yearling ewe (Emily), and two lamb ewes (Cindy and Hannah). 

 

These sheep are quite skittish, aren't keen on humans (unless somewhat trained), and run like deer.  It has taken them a couple of months to get accustomed to their new home and to Lucy (our maremma sheepdog).  Lucy went crazy when the sheep arrived! She was curious, excited, and a bit defensive.  Mostly, she wanted to play and she would chase them all over the property.  Lucy has calmed down since then, and only chases them on occasion.  Kellen (our goat), spent the first week hanging out with Lucy only.  The next few weeks he became one of the flock, which we thought could be a problem (for a few reasons).  In the few weeks after that, we tethered him over by our fruit trees to clear some blackberries.  Then, when we returned him to the field, he seemingly regained his independence and he can now often be found wandering around on his own.

 

Here's a few pics of these cuties.  In order to capture these shots, I had to walk around with grain in a cup while running away from our very persistent oversized pygmy! It was a challenge!

 

Keeping their distance

 

 

 Luke and Kellen facing off

 

Ready? Set? Wing It!

So today was the first day of school.  This fact was glaringly obvious as I sleepily browsed through the morning Facebook statuses shortly after my alarm went off.  This morning I gave myself an attainable goal; be up, showered, make-uped, dressed, and fed by 9:00AM.  I'm not an early riser.  I enjoy late nights and late mornings...however, I'm turning over a new leaf.  I'm gonna try my hand at "home school super-mom!"  I know, I know...9:00AM is hardly "super," but it's super for me!!  I'm thinking that next week I'll try 8:30...we'll see.

I wasn't fully prepared for this morning...by my standards at least.  I had spent the greater part of last week ordering a few things online, cleaning up a few things, organizing books, and logging onto Connections Academy after 2.5 months of hiatus.  I was very fortunate to make early contact with the kids' teacher and felt fairly confident about the upcoming school-year after a brief conversation with her.  The kids have the same teacher this year...and it is awesome!  Still, after all of that, my online purchases have only arrived in part and some of my school preparations have been put on hold.  I'm a little bummed, but I have given myself a little grace considering the busy-ness of my summer.  August is often a more flexible month in terms of "free time," but the somewhat sudden passing of my father-in-law swallowed up whatever free time was left.  So, I crammed all of my school planning into the 5 days I had between two camping trips.  Five days sounds like a lot. Ha ha ha.

We left for a 4-day camping trip in Naselle, WA on Friday morning, and then I woke with a screaming sore throat on Saturday. Yay! I love spending time with my niece Evelyn, and spent the day watching her on the Wednesday before while doing all of my camping/school shopping in Longview.  She had a little cough at the time that had turned into a full-blown cold by Friday.  Anyway, I hastily pulled the reigns on my sore throat with my tried and true homeopathic remedy and have kept the symptoms down from a scream to a subtle nuisance.  Still, sleep has been a bit more difficult and I'm currently on day 4 of this "nuisance" that seems to stubbornly want to run its course. Blah. 

I'm pretty tired.  And my body is feeling it after a full day of home school.  But, I can't complain too much.  The kids woke before their alarms went off (alarm clocks for the kids was one of the online purchases) and were ready to go by 9:00.  I was surprised and refreshed by their eagerness to start the day.  And despite the rise of expectations from 2nd to 3rd grade, Synnove attacked her lessons with more patience and diligence than I had originally hoped.  My goal was to finish the day by 1:00, but there were a few hiccups...one being that my printer stopped working.  We didn't finish until almost 3:00, BUT we ended the day with big high fives and a new printer! Woot!!

I'm so happy right now.  Yeah, my nose is slightly stuffed and I have a printer to install, but I am overjoyed with the prospect of a highly successful 2013-2014 school year!

Baring My Heart a Little

Today I received the last of the kids' books for next school year, and I found myself pondering over that "first day of school."  I started to feel sad.  I'm so used to thinking "traditionally."  I like traditions, milestones, rites of passage.  They give me that warm fuzzy that helps me relate to others.  And part of me feels sad that my kids won't be experiencing that "first day of school" tradition next school year. 

 

I was reservedly excited for Soren to start kindergarten last year.  I had grand ideas of getting lots of projects done at home and enjoying some quiet time to myself.  However, I wasn't in a good place emotionally at that time and my moments of quiet were actually moments of anxiety.  My kids were constantly on my mind and I felt paralyzed.  I was also very busy, so any projects I intended to start/finish were put on stand-by.  I was still cleaning houses many days out of the week, hosting a weekly women's Bible study, and trying to complete my daily duties as "mom" and "dad."  Adam was gone most of the time for work...in another state...far far away. 

 

When you're a mom, you don't have time to be depressed or out of sorts.  I think I had spent too many years bearing an unnecessary amount of weight on my shoulders that I had become accustomed to stress.  And when Soren's health went sour about 3 years ago, I buried that stress and continued to stuff it, and stuff it, and stuff it....until it started to overflow and it started to overwhelm me.  Then, when Soren's health started to improve, every little stress, though less frequent, continued pile and show itself in the form of fear and anxiety. I just wanted life back the way it was before.  Soren's perpetual illness had changed me somehow.  If I was only worried every now and then before, I was now worried all the time, regardless of his upward progress to health.  It took some time, but with lots of prayer and seeking God, I eventually reached a breaking point, and the box full of pent up stress/anxiety/fear broke free.  Freedom.  It sounds fantastic, but it sure is difficult to maintain.  And it was about a year ago that I started picking up the pieces of my shattered box once full of fear and began learning how to do things differently.

 

When school started, my new found freedom was still pretty fresh.  I can almost say that I had become a different person...different in a good way.  But, I still had my "training-wheels" on.  I sent my kids to school while I pretended to have it all together.  I was happy for them to go back to their friends and teachers and wanted them to be there.  At the same time, I wanted them home.  I missed my kids.  I worried about them.  I couldn't even bring myself to run errands in town while they were in school.  What if they needed me?  My schedule at the time didn't really allow for me to volunteer...and what little time I did have, I usually spent alone with my Bible and my thoughts.  I really needed that time to myself as my anxiety was constantly trying to creep back.  Adam and I would catch a few "hello's" every now and then, but for the most part, if I was home, I was by myself.  Though working from home on his non-travel days, Adam was only around ONE time when we both could actually have lunch together.  Yes folks, in the 3.5 months that the kids were going to school full-time Adam and I were both so busy that we only had lunch together ONE measly time.

 

By December, I wasn't cleaning as many houses, our women's Bible study had fizzled because of so many sick children, Adam was set to have some time off, yet I was still in constant inner turmoil.  Our family started the battle with sickness, and I continued to recover from my cousin's suicide.  I had so many things going through my mind during that time.  I was constantly thinking, praying, worrying.  I would drop my kids off at the school turnaround and then pull in the parking lot to pray for them.  Pray for what exactly?  The Lord's covering over their day.  That was the only way I could leave the school with any peace in my heart.

 

I really didn't want the decision to homeschool to be a cop-out for dealing with my fears.  But, I couldn't help but feel like that's what I was doing, despite the many good and legitimate reasons I had for homeschooling.  It wasn't until I was knee-deep in homeschool stress that God showed me that this was most definitely in His plan.  Sure, it hasn't been easy.  In fact, the entire month of February was one of the worst months of my life.  But the stress I experience as mom and teacher is a different kind, and I now have a greater peace than I have felt in quite some time.  The benefits of being home with my kids greatly outweigh any doubts I have, or any sadness I feel about them not being able to attend September's "first day of school" event.  I'm really looking forward to the upcoming school year (thankful for another 1.5 month break though!!) and I know that the experience will continue to refine me as a person and as a mom.

 

Phew...what started as a easy-breezy blog post turned into a bit more.  My intention was to post some VERY belated photos of last September's "first day of school."  Here they are...

 

 



Kindergarten home visit with Mrs. Gantenbien.  I think Soren was pretty happy to get Mrs. G, as she was Synnove's kinder teacher as well!

 

First day of school (for Soren) September 2012

Waiting in the lunchroom with buddies Brooke and Jake O'Connor



He looks a little shell-shocked...he wasn't super excited, but I know he had fun with his old buddies from preschool.

Synnove with her SUPER wonderful 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Hansen

The Berry End of the 2012-1013 School Year

School is finally over.  Our last day was June 14th with Synnove finishing up her last few lessons of math.  The major change is now our new normal and the upset is virtually nil.  I am happy.  We didn't accomplish the things I intended, but we survived.  Thankfully, our days started to smooth out as the busy-ness of spring started to creep...not to mention the magnetic draw to venture out into our unusually warm and beautiful spring weather!  Who'd have thought I'd be able to get a nice brown glow from a week of sunbathing in April?!  I will say, though, our school days often still lasted till evening, but not because of screaming fits of rage and refusal.  Sunshine on the little piece of heaven we call "home" is a constant distraction, especially after being cooped up all winter.

 

We are officially enrolled with Oregon Connections Academy for the fall, and I'm looking forward to starting fresh.  The idea of doing 100% home school has been permanently placed on the back burner(for now).  I can never say "for sure" that things won't change in the future.  I just can't imagine putting myself, or my kids, through another change.  I'm not ready, nor am I dissatisfied with the program we are currently in.  I realize that there are a LOT of fantastic programs out there and that there are some that would be much better than what we're doing.  But, I've weighed the options in my head, and I really feel that ORCA is the compromise that will work best for the situation we, as a family, are in.  ORCA provides "flexible structure."  I had legitimate reasons for why I never wanted to home school...ORCA allows for those reasons to still stand (to some degree).

 

Summer is a welcome break...as always.  It's funny how some things just don't change.  For instance, the kids have been at each other's throats this last week!  It really was a true "first week of summer break" even though the kids weren't in regular school.  Haha!

 

On the 13th we went on one last ORCA field trip for the school year with Soren's super-awesome teacher, Mr. Jason Webber.  Jason was also my friend Andrea's daughter's teacher (this was ideal for planning and coordinating school stuff!).  Andrea and I caravaned with 6 kids to Sauvie Island to pick strawberries in the uncooperative weather.  We got SOAKED, but made the best of it.

 

 

Raelynn and Soren (Mr. Webber's 1st graders)



 

Jason's mom, Jason's daughter Hazel, Katelynn, Andrea, Rae (in the back), and Synnove



Synnove and Kate with boots caked in mud trying not to slip on the way back to pay

Rae, Jason, Soren, and Synnove

Me as a Classroom Teacher

My full-time student teaching practicum was difficult.  For some odd reason I had been placed in a bilingual classroom where about 2/3 of students were Hispanic and many of them spoke little or no English.  I don't speak spanish.  In addition to the language barrier, I had at least 3 students on a strict behavior plan, 3-4 medicated ADD/ADHD students, 1 severely learning disabled student, and 1 student with Asberger's syndrome.  Quite honestly, I felt like I was running a circus.  I was the only student in my 30-student elementary education cohort that had to be visited on-site by my professor.  My professor had to see with her own eyes what I was dealing with on a daily basis.  She agreed; I was a special case.

Despite the many issues I had, I really did enjoy the good times I spent with the students.  It was hard to get much of any actual teaching done, considering I didn't speak Spanish.  My cooperating teacher had to be in the classroom at all times to translate for me.  Plus, I was constantly chasing my Asberger's student around the room and trying to keep him from being disruptive and out of control (his parents refused to agree with a diagnosis, so he couldn't be put on an IEP and didn't have an aid). There were days I would go home and cry...but it was the hearts of my students that kept me going.  They were kind, generous, and understanding.  And even though that was 11 years ago, I can still see their faces and remember their names.

When I was done with student teaching, I wasn't that interested in getting a job in a public school (go figure!).  But, jobs were scarce, so I applied for anything.  I interviewed for 2 or 3 positions, but there was always a better, more experienced applicant.  I even registered as a sub in the Corvallis, Albany, and Lebanon school districts...but I never got a call...there were too many subs, and teachers already had their favorites. By December, I was desperate to work ANYwhere.  I started applying at preschools, Head Start, and "glorified" daycares.  I interviewed for two positions.  One paid minimum wage (daycare) with little opportunity for a pay raise, and the other actually paid a salary!  If I remember correctly, the salary was around $18,000 with FULL benefits.  Plus, it was an actual "teacher" position.  I wasn't the lead teacher, but frankly, I didn't care.  I just needed a job.

The job was exhausting and monotonous.  I enjoyed the people I worked with, but the students were extremely challenging.  I worked at a facility for high-risk, and often low-income, students.  And, ohmygoodnessgracious...my patience was tested hourly.  In order to get through a day, I often felt I needed to be an expert in speech and vision impairment, autism, sensory disorders, and SEVERE behavior.  There was one student in particular...I will never forget him.  We needed two teachers to restrain him in the hallway on a daily basis.  He would spit at you, cuss at you, kick you...he even smeared his own feces on the wall once.

So many of the kids were victims of abuse or divorce.  Many of the others were just in need of extra help.  It was kind of like running a sort of group OT session for 9 hours each day (I worked in an "extended-day" program).  A typical OT session is one on one...so you can only imagine how chaotic my days often were.

I worked there for about 9 very long months until I was laid off due to statewide budget cuts.  It was a blessing, really.  A few weeks later, I landed a teaching position at a private Christian school in Eugene.  It was an hour commute, but I was getting the opportunity to teach with two of my fellow GFU graduates!  The pay was virtually exactly the same as my preschool job once you factored in the fact that they offered no health benefits.  Woo hoo!??

Poor pay aside, I was just happy to finally be in a teaching position that I thoroughly enjoyed.  I loved it!  I had 11 2nd and 3rd graders that I looked forward to seeing each and every day.  And, the staff was like family.  Sure, I had issues on occasion...and about 90% of those issues were from parents. I was screamed at (yes, I said "screamed"), lectured, and virtually threatened.  Issues in private school settings often deal with angry parents.  I think they presume that because they pay for their kids' education, they are entitled to special treatment.  Little do they know, private schools are usually poorer and have much fewer resources than public schools.  The issues usually got smoothed out, but some parents are never happy.  Thankfully, I had a principal that backed me up 100%. 

At the end of the school year I found out I was pregnant, Adam was graduating for the 2nd time (graduated 3 times in all!), and we were moving.  I've never gone back to teaching, and I have little desire to ever teach in a classroom again.  I think, in order to be a successful teacher, one needs to be extremely passionate about it.  One would have to be in order to put up with all the abuse!

Looking back, I'm not sure why I was placed in such challenging positions.  Maybe it's because God knew I needed the experience? Haha...no, seriously.  Each child is different. Each age is different. There is no fool-proof formula for success.  Then, when you find something that works, the situation changes, and you are back to square one!

I'm not holding my breath, but the roller coaster I've been on for the last 2.5 months seems to be slowing down.  I've had a solid 4 days of home school success!  I'm elated!  Today, we were able to finish school before lunch!!  Finally, we may just be able to achieve that flexibility I was hoping for :)

The Long Overdue Home School Update

Phew...I've survived 9 whole weeks.

Like most people, I've had many challenges in my life.  When my daughter was born, life changed.  God had entrusted me to care for her, love her, and teach her how to find her way.  I don't think I will ever forget how I felt those first few weeks of being Synnove's Mom.  I was lonely, exhausted, and defeated.  I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen.  I was prepared for the challenge of bringing home a newborn...but I wasn't prepared for Synnove.

This is a perfect picture of how homeschooling has been.  Going into it, I knew it was going to be difficult.  I knew the behavior issues would escalate.  However, I was not prepared for such a severe degree of escalation.  I'm not sure I have the proper words to describe what the eyes of our house have witnessed in the last several weeks.  You may think you understand.  You may think you have an equally challenging child.  But, I have a strong hunch that you don't.  I think the only person on Earth who can identify with my plight is my mother...because I am her daughter.

Being "me" is my only saving grace.  That, and the fact that God is on my side.  I understand her complicated inner workings, yet they cannot be labeled.  I've read books, searched websites, and talked to countless individuals.  I have come up with few answers.  One of the few things I'm sure of is that I most definitely made the right decision.  And another thing I'm sure of...I (we) will be blessed for it.

We made small progress today, and I can only hope that progress will continue.  As I seek God and put His Word at the forefront of our days, I begin to see light.  Teaching will, once again, become a joy and I will actually want to get out of bed in the morning.  I don't want to admit it, but I have reached that fragile point where I just can't take it anymore. I'm learning to let go.  I'm learning to let God.  Today we started with prayer...prayer on our knees.  Two minutes later, as another sting ensued, we continued with tears.  I can't help it.  My heart just perpetually breaks...and the bandage of bitterness that I've used for so many years to conceal hurt has lost it's effectiveness.  My son keeps me going...he picks up the pieces of my heart.  He is my Jesus in the flesh and shows me how to love when love just doesn't seem possible.

I am so thankful for each of my children.  And my love for them is so deep that it actually causes pain in my soul.  My time with them is short, and it is so very important that I be the best mom I can be.  God gave me these lives to care for on Earth, and he expects me to make them my number one priority.  Also...without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.  They teach me things about myself, give me new perspectives, and sanctify my faith.  God's handiwork is perfect! I may be in one of the greatest trials of my life, but I can't help but be excited for what's to come. 

More details on homeschooling coming soon...   :)