Time has gotten away from me, yet my family has been there at virtually every moment. Haha...blessing? Yes...but there are days I can't think straight, and hours I'd rather be in a quiet room by myself. Sometimes I just want to complain, whine, throw things, or just not say a single word.
Throughout my life, and even as a kid, I've always enjoyed quiet moments of pondering. It wasn't unusual for me to come home from school, toss my bag on the floor, flop myself on my bed, and stare and the ceiling. Thinking. Planning. Hoping. Dreaming. Praying. Lately, as home-school life has found it's groove, I've been struggling to find a balance. Maybe I'm just experiencing some burn-out? I'm not sure, but I've been craving quiet.
On a typical day, I get up later than I should. My alarm goes off at 7:50, and I usually roll out by 8:30. The kids are usually up by around that time and completing their morning routine. I, on the other hand, find myself dragging my feet. It isn't necessarily because I'm tired, or even that I'm dreading the day. Instead of rushing breakfast to get down to school, I do the dishes, gather laundry, or pull out the broom. Little chores to buy me some solitude before getting down to business. It's about that time that my old friend "guilt" pays me another visit. "Why aren't you downstairs already?" "You should have gotten up earlier." "Goodness, Nicole, why can't you get yourself together?!" That only seems to perpetuate the need for solitude and I find another chore.
The kids are at a point in their schooling where they are able to do a good portion of it on their own. It's a great thing. They know what's expected, yet "kids will be kids" and responsibility often goes out the window. That's where I come in...the "accountability." Huh...well, if I'm keeping my kids accountable, shouldn't I be even more responsible than them? Ugh...hello, "guilt"...we meet yet again.
By around 11:00 I could be in a myriad of places...but most-likely, I'm downstairs climbing the mountain of the day's lessons. By 11:00 we're finally acquiring some momentum. I'm feeling good, not wanting to stop. However, by 11:00 stomachs start to growl, and the complaints begin. AHH! Why, why WHY must I feed these kids...AGAIN?! Admit it moms...you know you feel the same way! After lunch the day just seems to fly and we don't get nearly enough done. And it isn't unusual for our day to continue even after dinner. No, we aren't doing lessons that whole time. That's the thing...we may school at home, but "life" still has to happen in between...and we do a LOT of "living!"
I'm constantly reflecting on what we did or didn't get done, and constantly making resolutions to do better. But so many school days go by with lessons unfinished. And when the kids continually go to bed at 9:30 or 10:00, I find I'm still longing for my quiet when 11:00 rolls around. So, I do a few more chores, and leave the rest for the next day because if I don't get any down-time I can't even sleep. And by 1:00AM I'm out. So much for resolving to get to bed earlier!
So, that's it. I get to the end of every single day wishing for one more hour of quiet solitude. But don't we all? Schooling at home is my full-time job, but so is being a mom, a wife and caretaker of this home. And really, I'm no different than anyone else. I am, by NO means, "super." I don't deserve any pats on the back. And if you think I've got it all together, you are sorely mistaken.
We have many good days. Those good days aren't perfect and many are filled with way too much to do. We also have not-so-good days, and it's then that I have to remind myself of so many things. I have to remind myself that last year at this time I was being beat up and screamed at by an 8-year-old. Today I enjoy calm days with that same kid with only occasional frustrations. I have to remind myself that I get to make my own schedule complete with sleeping in, breaking for sunshine, and playing Wii Dance for P.E.! I have to remind myself that my life was almost just as busy before homeschool but way more rushed, stressed, and unhappy. I have to remind myself that my kids have NEVER spent so much time with their daddy as they have in the last year. How blessed we are for Adam to have the job he has. We may only see him half the month, but the other half is pretty fantastic. I also have to remind myself that I am doing a good job, despite the fact that I can do better.
You know, I really didn't want to write another post about homeschooling. But since reaching the 1-year mark in January I can't help but be proud of how far we've come. This whole experience has been extremely challenging. It continues to be challenging. It pushes me to do things I don't want to do...like have patience! LOL! I wish I loved homeschooling. I don't. Frankly, I knew I wouldn't. Part of the challenge is finding joy. The joy doesn't come from loving what I do, it comes from loving who I do it with.
