Me as a Classroom Teacher

My full-time student teaching practicum was difficult.  For some odd reason I had been placed in a bilingual classroom where about 2/3 of students were Hispanic and many of them spoke little or no English.  I don't speak spanish.  In addition to the language barrier, I had at least 3 students on a strict behavior plan, 3-4 medicated ADD/ADHD students, 1 severely learning disabled student, and 1 student with Asberger's syndrome.  Quite honestly, I felt like I was running a circus.  I was the only student in my 30-student elementary education cohort that had to be visited on-site by my professor.  My professor had to see with her own eyes what I was dealing with on a daily basis.  She agreed; I was a special case.

Despite the many issues I had, I really did enjoy the good times I spent with the students.  It was hard to get much of any actual teaching done, considering I didn't speak Spanish.  My cooperating teacher had to be in the classroom at all times to translate for me.  Plus, I was constantly chasing my Asberger's student around the room and trying to keep him from being disruptive and out of control (his parents refused to agree with a diagnosis, so he couldn't be put on an IEP and didn't have an aid). There were days I would go home and cry...but it was the hearts of my students that kept me going.  They were kind, generous, and understanding.  And even though that was 11 years ago, I can still see their faces and remember their names.

When I was done with student teaching, I wasn't that interested in getting a job in a public school (go figure!).  But, jobs were scarce, so I applied for anything.  I interviewed for 2 or 3 positions, but there was always a better, more experienced applicant.  I even registered as a sub in the Corvallis, Albany, and Lebanon school districts...but I never got a call...there were too many subs, and teachers already had their favorites. By December, I was desperate to work ANYwhere.  I started applying at preschools, Head Start, and "glorified" daycares.  I interviewed for two positions.  One paid minimum wage (daycare) with little opportunity for a pay raise, and the other actually paid a salary!  If I remember correctly, the salary was around $18,000 with FULL benefits.  Plus, it was an actual "teacher" position.  I wasn't the lead teacher, but frankly, I didn't care.  I just needed a job.

The job was exhausting and monotonous.  I enjoyed the people I worked with, but the students were extremely challenging.  I worked at a facility for high-risk, and often low-income, students.  And, ohmygoodnessgracious...my patience was tested hourly.  In order to get through a day, I often felt I needed to be an expert in speech and vision impairment, autism, sensory disorders, and SEVERE behavior.  There was one student in particular...I will never forget him.  We needed two teachers to restrain him in the hallway on a daily basis.  He would spit at you, cuss at you, kick you...he even smeared his own feces on the wall once.

So many of the kids were victims of abuse or divorce.  Many of the others were just in need of extra help.  It was kind of like running a sort of group OT session for 9 hours each day (I worked in an "extended-day" program).  A typical OT session is one on one...so you can only imagine how chaotic my days often were.

I worked there for about 9 very long months until I was laid off due to statewide budget cuts.  It was a blessing, really.  A few weeks later, I landed a teaching position at a private Christian school in Eugene.  It was an hour commute, but I was getting the opportunity to teach with two of my fellow GFU graduates!  The pay was virtually exactly the same as my preschool job once you factored in the fact that they offered no health benefits.  Woo hoo!??

Poor pay aside, I was just happy to finally be in a teaching position that I thoroughly enjoyed.  I loved it!  I had 11 2nd and 3rd graders that I looked forward to seeing each and every day.  And, the staff was like family.  Sure, I had issues on occasion...and about 90% of those issues were from parents. I was screamed at (yes, I said "screamed"), lectured, and virtually threatened.  Issues in private school settings often deal with angry parents.  I think they presume that because they pay for their kids' education, they are entitled to special treatment.  Little do they know, private schools are usually poorer and have much fewer resources than public schools.  The issues usually got smoothed out, but some parents are never happy.  Thankfully, I had a principal that backed me up 100%. 

At the end of the school year I found out I was pregnant, Adam was graduating for the 2nd time (graduated 3 times in all!), and we were moving.  I've never gone back to teaching, and I have little desire to ever teach in a classroom again.  I think, in order to be a successful teacher, one needs to be extremely passionate about it.  One would have to be in order to put up with all the abuse!

Looking back, I'm not sure why I was placed in such challenging positions.  Maybe it's because God knew I needed the experience? Haha...no, seriously.  Each child is different. Each age is different. There is no fool-proof formula for success.  Then, when you find something that works, the situation changes, and you are back to square one!

I'm not holding my breath, but the roller coaster I've been on for the last 2.5 months seems to be slowing down.  I've had a solid 4 days of home school success!  I'm elated!  Today, we were able to finish school before lunch!!  Finally, we may just be able to achieve that flexibility I was hoping for :)

The Long Overdue Home School Update

Phew...I've survived 9 whole weeks.

Like most people, I've had many challenges in my life.  When my daughter was born, life changed.  God had entrusted me to care for her, love her, and teach her how to find her way.  I don't think I will ever forget how I felt those first few weeks of being Synnove's Mom.  I was lonely, exhausted, and defeated.  I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen.  I was prepared for the challenge of bringing home a newborn...but I wasn't prepared for Synnove.

This is a perfect picture of how homeschooling has been.  Going into it, I knew it was going to be difficult.  I knew the behavior issues would escalate.  However, I was not prepared for such a severe degree of escalation.  I'm not sure I have the proper words to describe what the eyes of our house have witnessed in the last several weeks.  You may think you understand.  You may think you have an equally challenging child.  But, I have a strong hunch that you don't.  I think the only person on Earth who can identify with my plight is my mother...because I am her daughter.

Being "me" is my only saving grace.  That, and the fact that God is on my side.  I understand her complicated inner workings, yet they cannot be labeled.  I've read books, searched websites, and talked to countless individuals.  I have come up with few answers.  One of the few things I'm sure of is that I most definitely made the right decision.  And another thing I'm sure of...I (we) will be blessed for it.

We made small progress today, and I can only hope that progress will continue.  As I seek God and put His Word at the forefront of our days, I begin to see light.  Teaching will, once again, become a joy and I will actually want to get out of bed in the morning.  I don't want to admit it, but I have reached that fragile point where I just can't take it anymore. I'm learning to let go.  I'm learning to let God.  Today we started with prayer...prayer on our knees.  Two minutes later, as another sting ensued, we continued with tears.  I can't help it.  My heart just perpetually breaks...and the bandage of bitterness that I've used for so many years to conceal hurt has lost it's effectiveness.  My son keeps me going...he picks up the pieces of my heart.  He is my Jesus in the flesh and shows me how to love when love just doesn't seem possible.

I am so thankful for each of my children.  And my love for them is so deep that it actually causes pain in my soul.  My time with them is short, and it is so very important that I be the best mom I can be.  God gave me these lives to care for on Earth, and he expects me to make them my number one priority.  Also...without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.  They teach me things about myself, give me new perspectives, and sanctify my faith.  God's handiwork is perfect! I may be in one of the greatest trials of my life, but I can't help but be excited for what's to come. 

More details on homeschooling coming soon...   :)